How did you & your spouse handle debt incurred before marriage?
September 3rd, 2010 | 
Author: I have debt. My husband does not. We don’t hold any joint accounts. He pays his bills and I pay mine (just like if we were single). I pay for groceries. He pays for his (our) house & the utilities.
My husband’s view is that my debt is my debt and mine only. He does not intend to help me pay it down in any way. I have not asked him to and am working on paying it down myself.
He tells me that I’m the reason we can’t move forward in our relationship (buy a new house/have kids) because I have to pay down my debt first.
He has the means to help me pay down my debt. And I’ve explained that if he were to do so, we could move forward in our relationship a lot sooner.
Am I wrong to think he should help me pay down my debt? How did you & your spouse handle debt incurred before marriage?
My thought is that most people combine their money into one account when they get married, they pay bills first, put some money into a savings, and then work on paying off the debt they have between them TOGETHER. Am I completely out of my mind? (Don’t worry – I won’t hold it against you if you say so!)
Help!!
More details: My husband is 35 and I’m 28. I went to a 4 year college, have federal loans (around K) at a minimal interest rate, graduated in 2006 and have 6 more years till they’re paid off. He went to a technical school & paid as he went. I use my credit card for everything and use all my cash to pay it down every month. A bad habit I started long ago and I’m working to change. I was K in debt when we got married (he knew this) and am now about K in debt 2 years later. The source of the debt is not things like Jimmy Choo’s & Prada bags, but too much spent on groceries at Walmart, too much spent on Christmas presents, too much spent on birthday cards, gifts, babyshowers, etc. He makes about K more than I do. No prenup was ever signed or anything like that. And since we’ve been married I’ve been trying to be like him & live within my means. I feel I’m doing a great job. For him, though it’s not getting paid down fast enough.
Posted in How to handle your debts | 
Tags: amp, bad habit, birthday cards, cards gifts, christmas, credit card, federal loans, groceries, interest rate, jimmy choo, joint accounts, marriage, minimal interest, money, prada bags, prenup, relationship, technical school, walmart, worry
15 Responses to “How did you & your spouse handle debt incurred before marriage?”
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You’re right…he SHOLD help you! My husband and I don’t have joint accounts…but he has helped me pay off my loan…I got that before I even met him….he also pays for the utillity bills and the house…I buy groceries, kids clothing, school fees and pay half our holidays. He pays more into the home because he earns more…but he also gives me money to help with groceries and things….we are about t open a joint savings account.
Your husbands attitude is worrying….what about when you DO have kids…will he give you money when you are not working? ou need councelling in my opinion….
Thank God we had no debt!
Your assumption would hold true IF you both had debt that was close to equal in amounts. The problem is that YOU have debt and it is probably debt from consumer goods that you really didn’t need! SO your new husbands issue isn’t necessarily with the debt but with the way you got the debt. My guess is if it were from a hospital bill he wouldn’t be against helping you out!
I am curious, how old is your husband? Are you both still pretty young?
This is how my fiance and I made out…
She graduated a semester before I did. Once she graduated, she was jobless. I had an additional semester of school, but I had a job. However, even though I had a job, she had more money than I did. She then got a good job with her degree and I was still in my college job with debt.
When we got engaged, she helped me pay off my debt so we could start from zero. She had the means, and since we will be getting married, we will have the same credit. So instead of having my debt tarnish her credit, she helped me pay it off so we could both have good credit when we get married. She ended up paying about $3000 of my debt.
For your husband, I think he should do the same thing. Any relationship that turns into a "this is mine, and that is yours" in a serious situation, is kind of dangerous. Did he force you into a prenuptial agreement? If he did because of your debt, that it sounds like he has serious trust issues with you.
So in my opinion, it sounds like he is worried and has a firm grasp on his money. It sounds unreasonable. However, on the flip side, does he have any reason to be that way?
Edit: Man, who is the nay-sayer with the down thumbs.
The biggest thing that can be said for if your husband is being unreasonable or justly worried, is the source of the debt. If its school loans, then he should help. If you got them by living outside your means, then you might have to sacrifice some of your "fun expenses" for a little bit to help pay it off.
When he married you, he also became responsible for the debt. Dealing with is separately may not be in both your best interest.
Why would you pay more interest than necessary when the two of you could use that money for something else to benefit your life? (as an example)
You should work together with your finances and use the money like the tool it is.
For me, a BIG factor would be how you got into debt in the first place? School loans? Fine, I’ll help because your education benefits everyone (you, me, future kids, etc.). Trips with your friends, a car you can’t afford, or uncontrolled spending? I’d be more likely to say that I’d help with some of it but you need to take care of most of it.
What’s the source of the debts?
I think he should agree to help you pay off a portion because if he just helps pay it, I think he is afraid that you will make more new debt and would not of learnt anything. My parents live in a tiny little 3 room cottage on my property after having millions of dollars because my mom incurred debt. So I understand him being a bit cautious.
We have a joint account and share bills and debt–we both willingly and knowingly went into the relationship knowing the debts of each other and accepted them.
we’re paying down our debts before we get married but when either has extra money we give it to the other because we do want to move forward and have the nice house and we both need to be financially together for that step. so we help each other out
We did not have debts when we married. When we married we opened up a joint account and combined our money into that one account. Any bills we make gets paid by both of us.
Marriage is a oneness, not a his and her separate sort of thing.
When we got married my husband had considerable student loan debt. We have joint accounts so we paid of the debt together. And I had a little in savings. When we got married that money became is as well. And we stuck to a very close budget for two years to pay off the loans early.
I think if the debt had been from credit card debt– for non necessary items (excessive shopping, vacations etc) , I might have wanted him to do things a bit differently. I would have expected him to be on stricter budget than me and I wouldn’t have given him my savings.
We had to revert to separate accounts as my ex would just spend $ until it was gone. But going into your marriage, he told you he would not help you with yours. Not saying he would pick up half but it was a red flag you chose to ignore.
Long before I got married I knew that some day I would want to buy a house and to make that happen It would be in my best interest to be debt free and have excellent credit.
Unfortunately the girls I dated didn’t think the same way (most people don’t plan ahead and live only for today). For various reasons these relationships didn’t work out.
Then I met the woman who would later agree to be my wife. She also unfortunately did not plan for the future and had a lot of debt and no savings. While we dated I tried to teach her about debt and credt scores. The lessons didn’t sink in very well and she continued to have accounts go into collections and spent frivolously. One day we found the perfect house!!!
Today I own that house alone. She does not own the house w/ me but for all intents and purposes she is an owner and she has all rights to the place although, all the financial liabilities are in my name.
because of her poor credit score and lack of savings we would not have been able to buy the house if she had been listed as one of the owners on the mortgage.
Today she has come to understand and has made great improvements in her finances and in one day we will start the refi process to officially make her a homeowner.
So, I agree w/ your husband.
And one thing I’ve learned, those in a relationship who have the lesser finances generally feel the way you do, in that finances should be combined.
Your view that
"they pay bills first, put some money into a savings, and then work on paying off the debt they have between them" shows that you do not understand finances.
Anyone who thinks they should save before paying off debt should consider going back to personal finances 101.
Sorry if this seems harsh but it is the absolute truth.
Do not put money in a savings account that pays 2% (if you’re lucky) while credit card companies are charging you multiples of that amount.
When we first got married we agreed that her main and only focus would be paying off her debt while I took care of the household expenses.
Get a 2nd job and put 100% of that paycheck into debt. believe me, he’ll be impressed and think you’re the isht for doing something like that.
he’s doing right.. don’t pull him into the same hole as you… remain a big girl and take care of what debt you had before he even came along… we have separate accounts and we’ve been married for eons… because we haven’t shared accounts… my credit is still A1 and his is not and he doesn’t want to pull me down… I’m the only one who can help us both out if we need a big ticket item
Im getting married this year after 6 years of dating, he like you also has debt from school, I do not. From the start we have agreed that there is no reason why I should pay for his debt, he incurred it and it is his responsibility to settle it. I do not believe that I should pay for his irresponsibility, especially since he did not finish school nor is he working in the industry he went to school for.
Your debt, your problem. We have a joint account, we have ‘allowances’ depending on the amount of income we bring to the household. He pays his debts from said allowances and so do I. We are fine with this. I agree with your husband, you need to be a responsible partner and pay your dues. Just because he is financially able to do so, does not mean he should pay for your debt, that is highly unreasonable. You made a mistake, rectify it, that way he sees you are an adult and then you can move forward.
My husband and I do not separate "his" and "my" money – everything goes into the same pot, and everything is paid for from the same pot. We discussed this arrangement before we got married, and combined our finances after marriage.
That said, it really doesn’t matter what "other people" do; what matters is what the agreement is between you and your husband. It is wrong to start off with a set of mutually agreed-upon expectations, and then later on resent him for sticking to it.
If you guys mutually decided that you will keep your finances separate after marriage, why is there an expectation that he "should" pay your debts? If there was such an expectation, you should have structured your finances differently from the start. A lot of people combine their money after they marry, but it’s a decision that is made by *both* people hopefully before they tie the knot, so there are no surprises and no resentment. There’s no right or wrong way to handle the finances, but you have to both be on the same page in whatever method you choose.
If your expectations have changed, you need to have a serious discussion with him. If he is not agreeable to the new set of rules, you need to work together to see if you can find a compromise you can both live with. It’s a give-and-take.